I have had this unsettled feeling deep in my core for a few years now. Like there is something missing in my life. I have felt like I have been lightly searching for it for the last few years…sitting in the feeling and seeing if it would just tell me already what it was I needed so I could go and get it already! This is my impatient self talking. I’m usually a ‘if I want it, I want it NOW’ type of person. But what I have realized is that I tend to miss a lot of greatness along the way.
And that feeling only intensified the last few months. As if it’s telling me GO, GO NOW AND SEARCH FOR IT! So I answered the call by doing a polar plunge on January 1st. Something I clearly remember saying I would never do, though deep down inside I secretly wished I was brave enough. I’m definitely more of an adventurous, free-spirited girl who enjoys spontaneity. But a lot of the time I have let fear get in my way. But having taken some pretty scary steps the last year to really search out happiness, that fear has taken a bit of a backseat with confidence and a JUST GO FOR IT attitude in the driver’s seat! And this is where the plunge comes in. Knowing full well this may come across cheesy…it was seriously a life-changing, pivotal moment for me. As soon as the water hit my legs, I felt this amazing feeling of freedom. Like the fear had been released and replaced with a renewed sense of adventure. This is when my Year of Yes truly began. I realized then I didn’t want to pass up or miss out on amazing opportunities that could be incredibly rewarding and would most likely teach me something about myself.
Since the plunge in January, I have ventured into the dating world, taken spontaneous road trips, tried interesting foods and have said yes to some crazy stuff (nothing that would get me into too much trouble 😉 ). And it has been the most amazing feeling. I have felt more free and more like myself than ever before. I think because I’m finally allowing myself to truly live. I’m no longer getting in the way of my own happiness.
That said, the unsettled feeling still creeps in. But I’ve found out that it has a purpose. I don’t think it’s a feeling that will ever go away. I think it’s actually my soul kicking me to tell me ‘Ok, we’ve been sitting dormant long enough, time for your next adventure!’ So when the unsettled feeling comes over me, I start looking at ways to answer the call…where can I travel to next? What sort of fun, totally out there activity could I try out now? Maybe I should get a tattoo?
I’m really loving this new, adventurous me and all the great memories and experiences that are coming along with it! I’m learning to set my free-spirited self free and seeing where she will take me. It’s about really loving life and making time for the moments that really set my soul on fire. And by going in that direction, recognizing the unsettled feeling as my soul in search of adventure, I have let myself become open to one incredible life journey.
Courageous. I hear that word said a lot to me…especially lately. Hmm..was it really courageous of me to stand up for what I wanted and fight for what I thought was good for me? Maybe. But it really shouldn’t be considered courageous to go for what we want in life. We shouldn’t be seen as courageous when we take steps, albeit sometimes dramatic ones, to get there.
I see it more as doing what is right for our souls. I came to a point this past year where I realized I wanted more for me. Damn…did it ever seem selfish…but why?? Why is wanting more for me selfish? And then to take that step in putting myself first is suddenly courageous? It just seems strange to me.
It should not be abnormal or come as a big surprise to others when we start to put ourselves first. But, being someone who has been recently doing just that, I don’t want to give the idea that its easy. It’s hard. Like insanely hard. You end up hurting some people along the way, friendships start to change, YOU start to change! And it can be hard to keep up with it all. But one thing I can tell you…it’s worth it.
Through all the dark moments…and let me tell you there have been PLENTY…I still feel a sense of peace I have never felt before. Why? Because I’m doing for me. I’m making choices for ME. That’s not to say where I was before that all I ever did was always for the other person…I don’t want to give off that impression. But I spent a lot of my time wanting to please others, wanted them to really like me! But what ended up happening was I lost a part of myself…I wasn’t really being me anymore…or in actuality…I wasn’t even sure who me really was! Then a shift started happening inside of me. I wanted MORE. I was starting to tap into deep parts of my soul I had never discovered. I started to feel a sense of confidence in myself that I had always wanted but was too afraid to reach for it. And with all this discovery came some really big life changes. Some of them really sucked…some of them left me with moments of crazy loneliness. But I can tell you that it was in those very dark times that I really truly got to know the real me. Because I was left with just myself and I had to figure out whether I was going to like being with me or not. And what I found is that I really like Meaghan…the new Meaghan that is budding up and starting to bloom.
I know not everyone will understand the decisions I make, that even in the middle of a divorce I’m finding time to dance every morning, and that sometimes I eat dessert before dinner and don’t go to the gym the next day. But that doesn’t matter to me. What matters is that I’m finding the happiness in my choices…and my choices are what are bringing me happiness.
So yea..maybe it was courageous of me…but that doesn’t mean we don’t all have courage inside of each and every one of us. Discover what you need more of in your life and don’t be afraid to go for it! And remember to spend time with YOU. You may find you like yourself more than you realized 😉