One more sleep until I fly off to Nicaragua!!
But…it’s also one final night in my home.
I had no idea when I booked this trip back in October that I would also be moving from my home of over 5 years at the very same time. This trip definitely comes at the best time for me. I will not argue that. I am feeling so emotionally drained, exhausted and completely at capacity for being able to take on any more in my life. Travel recharges me, sets my soul on fire and also gives me the opportunity to learn about myself too. All the things I am really in need of at this moment.
But it has been very hard to get excited about it when in the middle of packing for my trip; I am also packing my life in boxes. It’s funny in a way because I am someone who always craves change. By year 3, I wanted to move. Every other month I want to travel and every week I’m thinking of what car I could get next! This has a lot to do with my childhood, but that is a post for another day!
But here I am going through SO MUCH change all around the same time and all I can think about is just crawling into my bed and letting the world just go on while I keep sleeping! I don’t want any more change. I’m good right now! I’ve had more than enough to last me a good….year. 😉
I also didn’t think my moving from this house would be in this manner, which definitely makes it more difficult. And if you’re just tuning in to my blog I suggest you read the first post to know just what sort of manner I’m talking about. But to sum it up, a divorce is like an onion…it’s not cut and dry. It comes with many, MANY layers of stuff you couldn’t have imagined dealing with! Not only am I packing up my belongings, I’m unpacking so many memories along the way. I’ve had to go through so many items and throw out things I never thought I would be throwing out. It reopens the sense of loss that I thought I had dealt with but I’m finding it may come and go for a little while longer.
Something I am guilty of is pushing down emotions in order to not feel them because they are just too much for me to handle or so I believe. I would rather be happy and full of joy…I mean who wouldn’t? But what I find ends up happening are these emotions creep back up, at times where I least expect it and when I’m not at all prepared to deal with them. But honestly, when are we ever really ready to deal with these feelings? The sense of loss, grieve, sadness, pain, anger…who can actually say they are ready at any moment to take these on? Not me, that’s for sure. I am learning, however, to not run from them anymore. I’m digging up some courage to face them as they come and embrace them. Letting myself accept them for what they are, giving myself permission to feel and know that it’s ok. In doing so, I truly believe it will help me move forward without dragging along a suitcase full of untapped emotions and unhealed pains.
Last night I was encouraged to take some time to say goodbye to my house. Yea…as soon as the words came out of the person’s mouth…I cried my eyes out. I realized then that I had been holding so much back, protecting myself from really feeling the sense of loss that I was experiencing. But by doing that I was robbing myself of an opportunity to really give myself closure. So I sat on the floor this morning and said goodbye. Even as I type, the screen gets blurry from my watery eyes. Amongst the heaviness the home brings me sometimes, there are also a lot of memories. It was the first house we bought. The place I planted my first tree. My first attempt at growing a vegetable garden happened there…and only lasted one season! I hosted my first ever turkey dinner in that dining room. I have danced solo a lot in that living room, sometimes with the curtains open not caring who saw. Parties, sleepovers, laughter and tears. This house has seen it all. Though it’s sad, it also feels good that I’m letting myself grieve this loss, this end of a chapter. By doing so I will be able to move on knowing I acknowledged and honoured all that it gave me.
So, yes, I leave for Nicaragua tomorrow! I am a big believer that things don’t just happen…there is reason for them. Whether you want to call it fate or God, this trip and when it is taking place is all a part of my journey that was planned out for me. It couldn’t come at a better time. It will allow me the time to reflect on the last few months and to look ahead at the next ones. It’s a chance for me to be present in the moment and present with me. But for tonight, I am going to continue to say goodbye to my home, dance and sing solo one last time in that living room and be grateful for all that it gave me as I prepare to move forward.